8 Tips for Approaching Divorce Thoughtfully and Effectively
A couple’s decision to separate often comes after months if not years of reflection. Family law firms have noticed a spike in divorce-related inquiries at the beginning of the year, as many couples wait until the end of the holiday season to finalize a decision to divorce. The holiday stress and the financial strain may be the proverbial final straw for one or another partner. For others, January lines up well with the tax year and thus is a convenient way to plan financially for their new future.
In whatever season you take steps to initiate a divorce, while it may not be easy, it doesn’t have to be acrimonious or destructive, nor does it have to create trauma for the kids. Divorce itself is not what causes harm, it’s how you do divorce. With the right mindset and preparation, divorce can mark the beginning of a healthier chapter for everyone involved.
Whether you’re navigating your own divorce or supporting someone else’s, the following eight tips can help in approaching the divorce thoughtfully.
1. Be intentional.
Divorce is a major life event that requires clarity, intentionality, and planning. Making the decision to divorce is just the beginning. Following through in a way that decreases conflict and reactivity will ensure that your kids—if you have kids—aren’t inadvertently burdened or hurt. I recommend that you and your co-parent sit with a neutral third party, such as a co-parenting therapist or coach or mediator, to discuss the steps involved.
2. Don’t go through this alone.
Surround yourself with community. Talk to friends; connect with family; join online or social media groups; or work with a coach who can provide guidance, clarity, and perspective. Support from a therapist can help you develop healthier communication patterns as well as untangle from past traumas.
A breakup is a transition that can send you into crisis mode, making it harder to stay focused on what truly is important. Isolation can lead to increased depression. In contrast, surrounding yourself with people who understand your emotions can provide you with healthy and appropriate places to vent and to feel heard, seen, and understood. We are social beings, and having a sense of belonging and community can be a lifesaver when going through a divorce or other life-altering experience.
3. Prioritize healing and self-care.
If you haven’t already started on your healing journey, now is the time. Develop a self-care routine you can maintain. It is normal to feel sadness, grief, fear, or even shame. Even if you initiated the divorce, this is still an emotional time that can trigger old wounds from your childhood. Prioritizing self-care and healing benefits not only your emotional well-being but also your physical wellness. Caring for yourself helps you stay present and grounded with your child, as well as be more regulated and less triggered when interacting with your co-parent, so you can make better decisions.
3. Put your kids first.
If you have a child, prioritize their well-being throughout the process. Think of yourself—and hopefully your co-parent—as being on Team Kiddo. Your goal is for them to thrive. The key to reducing the negative impact of divorce on your child is to keep them out of the middle of any conflict between you and your co-parent, and avoid using them as messengers or confidants. Never say anything negative about their other parent in front of your child.
Committing to co-parenting amicably and focusing on your kid’s stability, emotions, and needs help them adjust to your divorce with greater ease and greatly minimizes any potential long-term harm. When kids see their parents working together, they feel reassured they don’t have to choose sides or take on roles and responsibilities that are not theirs to take on. They can focus their energy on being kids—on growing, learning, and playing.
All this starts with how you tell your child about the separation. I suggest working with a therapist or coach to come up with a clear, blame-free collaborative narrative so your child can continue to feel their family is still a family—that it is not broken or a failure, but that it has changed. This will help to minimize their confusion, fear, and shame.
4. Build your team.
You and your co-parent can take various different routes when it comes to divorce. Some are lengthier and more expensive, and others are more collaborative and easier—not only for you but also for your kids. The choice depends on your unique circumstances. Research and discuss it with your co-parent. Speak to professionals who can guide you: a divorce or co-parenting therapist or coach; a mediator; and if necessary, a collaborative family law attorney or financial advisor. A supportive team can help you navigate the legal and financial complexities of divorce while minimizing conflict. Also, make sure you get referrals for any professional consultations. Be wary of attorneys who may be in it for their own gain rather than yours.
5. Learn effective communication skills.
The key to making good decisions and reducing conflict with your co-parent is effective communication. The time, energy, and money you spend on learning how to effectively communicate with your co-parent will be worth every penny. One tip is to think of your co-parent as if they were your coworker. Speak to them with respect and clarity. Focus on the facts and on what is best your kids, and keep your emotions out of it.
Our attachment styles influence how we communicate. Sign up for the communication styles quiz to understand what your and your co-parent’s communication styles are, as well as additional tips on how to communicate more effectively and obtain more successful outcomes.
6. Gather information about living arrangements and custody.
Where will you and your co-parent live? Where will your child live? It’s important to think about the best living arrangement for your child. The two most common options are (1) setting up a two-home family system, where the child goes between their two homes, and (2) birdnesting, where the child stays in one home, while the co-parents alternate coming in and out of that home. Research different custody arrangements to see what might best suit your co-parenting family’s needs.
7. Keep the big picture in mind and focus on your goals.
It can be tempting to fight for every detail, but not all battles are worth it. You are part of a co-parenting team whose goal is to raise a secure, healthy, and happy child. Your common goal is to foster a secure and connected relationship with your child. Focus on the qualities you each bring to your child—your unique skill sets and shared values. In addition, keep in mind your own individual goals for emotional well-being, financial stability, and a conflict-free relationship with your ex (whether it is as friends, merely amicable, or just neutral).
While divorce is immensely stressful and often marks an upheaval of life, it’s also an opportunity for growth and reinvention. By approaching the process with thoughtfulness and care, you increase your chance of creating a healthier, happier future. If you’re considering divorce or supporting a loved one who is, remember that the way forward may not be easy, but it can lead to transformational growth and healing and brighter days ahead.
The following resources can get you started.
For Parents:
Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes, by Aurisha Smolarski
The D Word, by Kate Anthony
https://kateanthony.com/dword/
The WTF Divorce Journal: The Raw, the Real, and the Ridiculously Relatable, by Rob Roseman and Kristy Tiesing
BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts, by Bill Eddy, Annette Burns, and Kevin Chafin
Talking to Children About Divorce: A Parent’s Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce, by Jean McBride
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child: A Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried, by Isolina Ricci
For Kids:
When Mom and Dad Separate: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief from Divorce, by Marge Heegaard
Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids
by Zoe Stern
What Can I Do?: A Book for Children of Divorce Paperback – July 15, 2001
by Danielle Lowry (Author), Bonnie J. Matthews (Illustrator)
Podcasts:
Divorce and Beyond Podcast
https://divorceandbeyondpod.com
The High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-high-conflict-co-parenting-podcast/id1435940837
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
