Although moving between two homes can be stressful for a young child, their co-parents can work together to make sure the process is as easeful as possible.

Six-year-old Abby runs out the front door, her mom close behind, and waves at her dad, who is sitting in the driver’s seat of his car.It is 5 p.m. on Sunday. They usually do changeovers at 4 p.m., but he is running behind schedule.He waves back as he gets out and opens the back door. “Let’s go, kiddo! We don’t want to be late for the adventure I have planned.” However, Abby runs back to her mother, eyes brimming with tears.“Baby, it’s OK,” her mother croons. “I’ll miss you, but you’ll have fun with Daddy. It’s just three days.”Abby starts to whine. She clings to her mom’s arm and resists walking toward the car.

In this scenario, both parents are confused. They don’t understand why Abby struggles during such moments. Her mother is concerned that something goes on at Dad’s house that causes Abby to feel anxious or scared. And Dad is suspicious that Mom says things to Abby to make her not want to go with him.

In fact, it doesn’t have to be this way. As co-parents, you can handle drop-offs and pick-ups in a manner that eases the situation for your young child.

What Attachment Theory Tells Us About Transitional Moments

Separations and reunions occur naturally in everyday life. For example, a separation occurs in the morning when you take your kid to school, and a reunion occurs when you pick them up in the afternoon. Going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning are also forms of separation and reunion.

For children who live in two homes, transitions can involve drop-offs, where they say goodbye to one parent and hello to the other. Pick-ups are merely the flip side of the same situation. How your child responds in these transitional moments is influenced by their attachment style. The stress that comes from a transition can activate a child’s biological drive to seek comfort, proximity, and protection from their caregiver. Children who have a secure attachment orientation generally have an easier time adjusting to separations and reunions—a conclusion that is supported by decades of research on the stranger situation procedure, in which attachment researcher Mary Ainsworth observed children’s behaviors during simulated separations and reunions with a parent (Madigan et al., 2023).

This is not to say that only children with secure attachment can handle drop-offs and pick-ups well. How you and your co-parent manage the situation can determine the experience for everyone involved. In essence, what you want to do is promote greater security for your child.

Try This

The following eight tips highlight what you can do to create more secure drop-offs and pick-ups and decrease the amount of struggle your child may be experiencing.

Timing is important. Be attuned to your child’s biological rhythms and needs. Plan transitions at times that will be easier for them, such as earlier in the day or at school pick-ups. Late afternoon can be a hard time if your child is tired and hungry.

When Abby’s parents shifted their handoffs to Sunday morning after breakfast, they noticed a positive shift in her behavior.

Let your child know when. Give your child specific information, even if you think they won’t remember or are too young. This helps reduce anxiety and creates a bridge between the goodbye and the next hello for your child.

Abby’s mom did let her know she would see her in three days, but she could add, “…on Wednesday, when I pick you up from school.”

Be consistent. When your child knows what to expect and can count on routines around transitions, they feel more confident, can relax, and will develop trust in you and within themselves. This is why it is important to be on time and stick to your schedule. You do the waiting, if need be.Also, keep it brief. Abby’s mom engaged in some clinginess that unintentionally elongated her goodbye. She could become more aware of her reactions and moderate accordingly.

Be cordial. Keep your interactions with your co-parent friendly, cordial, and respectful. Don’t discuss any changes in schedule- or custody-related topics during transition moments.

Keep it about your child. It is easy for your feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even anger toward your ex to show up during a goodbye with your child. If your kid sees this, they may feel guilty about wanting to see their other parent or may feel they are responsible for taking care of your feelings. Stay focused on your child's feelings.

Instead of saying, “I miss you” (focused on herself), Abby’s mom could say, “I love you and I’ll be thinking about you” (focus on Abby).

Create hello and goodbye rituals. Having a ritual you and your child co-create can help them feel the loving and supportive connection they need during this time and minimize anxiety. Keep rituals short.

Abby started to feel more positive and giggled when she and her mom did the goodbye wiggle dance they created, even as she wiped away a tear.

Maintain affection, connection and presence. Your child needs your full attention, affection, and emotional attunement during transitions. Listen and engage. Give hugs, eye-to-eye goodbyes and hellos, open-arm hellos, or any other form of connection your kid likes, depending on their age. Connection will help regulate your child's system.

Instead of staying in the car, Abby’s dad could get out and greet her with a hug.

Don’t overdo it. It may be hard to leave your child crying at school or driving off with their other parent, but if you pop back in a few hours later to check on them or call multiple times during the day, you may reactivate your child’s anxiety.

Employing these strategies will help your child feel more safe and secure during drop-offs and pick-ups, and help them move with greater ease and confidence through the natural stress that happens during such moments.

It’s not uncommon for kids with two homes to have to juggle two sets of rules. But it only takes one co-parent to give their kid a safety net to help manage these inconsistencies.

Children in two homes who are left to struggle with different sets of rules often try to pit their parents against each other in a game of bad cop and good cop. They do this when they’re unable to express how they feel about being forced to navigate two sets of rules. Tim, for example, is confused, anxious, and stressed, which has led to emotional dysregulation as well as a range of academic and behavioral issues.

Parents are often pitted against each other and blame each other for the situation. Or if they see their child “acting out,” they may point to their child as the problem. In fact, if this is happening in your home, your kid is trying to tell you that they are craving consistency and age-appropriate boundaries. They are asking you to provide a safety net.

Going from being in a romantic relationship to co-parenting with a person you no longer want to be close to can feel daunting and overwhelming. A separation or divorce when you have kids doesn’t just entail separating your stuff and your homes and creating custody and parenting arrangements; it requires a complete mindset shift. This shift involves the roles you and your former partner play in each other’s lives, while also parenting your child.

KEY POINTS

Co-parents should shield children from parental conflict, not make them witness it.

Putting a child in the middle means inappropriately placing a child into roles that should not be theirs.

A child who feels their needs are unimportant can lose self-esteem, self-value, and a sense of security.

"Don't put your child in the middle."

You've probably heard this phrase if you have been in a co-parenting relationship. But you may not realize how frequently it occurs, under what circumstances, and with what results.

For example, Norwegian researchers reported that about 46 percent of children in their sample of high-conflict divorce families were at a heightened risk of experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSS). Divorce and breakups are difficult, but putting a child in the middle of parental issues causes increased ongoing stress and confusion and affects the child's ability to heal.